Thursday, September 22, 2011

Vasectomy - the first week

Sorry if this type of post grosses you out, but I felt like I needed to share my experience with the world because that is just the kind of guy I am. It's just life, we all live it. Some of us just talk about it more than others. If it makes you uneasy, stop reading and tune into my next post about how I switched back to Google Apps from Windows Live Domains (should be super exciting! *sarcasm*)

So if you are still reading, good for you. I'll try not to go into too many details about my scrotum or anything like that because I have a feeling my mom or grandma may read this (which if they made it this far might be cause for concern anyway... just kidding, I love you guys!).

My initial consultation was kind of surprising to me. Everyone said that the doctor would grill me about it being permanent, ask tons of questions to make sure I knew what I was doing, and basically try to talk me out of it. When I finally got back to see the doc, he came in and said they were busy so he would just do a quick exam then send in his nurse to go over the rest. Then he made me drop my pants so he could feel around. I don't think I had ever had as much shrinkage before in my life up to that point. After saying everything looked good and explaining what needed groomed, off he went and the nurse came in. She talked for about 5 minutes explaining what the procedure was like and kept emphasizing there would be no pain. Blah blah, need two jock straps, blah, use Aleve after surgery even though the handout says not to, blah, get frozen peas, blah blah, fill prescriptions, blah, give specimen after 12 weeks. I have the attention span of a gnat. During the whole time though I did notice that she never mentioned how long before I would be able to physically have sex again, not unprotected sex but just sex period with protection, and when I asked her she seemed kind of shocked, almost as if no one had asked that before. "I don't think there is really a set time you have to wait..." Good enough for me!

So I went out and got two jock straps (aka scrotal supporters), a bottle of Aleve (no coupons this time :( but I did catch them on sale), and two bags of peas. I was set, but boys were not happy with me. The week leading up to the procedure they felt depressed, almost like they had been defeated. Not sure if you have ever had that feeling, but its not exactly a pleasant one. Since there was a chance (however slight it might have been) that my unit would be nonfunctional after the procedure, I tried to talk my wife into stockpile sex. Like carb loading or something before a crash diet. I finally had her convinced and then a few days before the procedure, she decided to start her period (yes, I think it was a conscious decision on her part). Thanks for the support babe :(

So anyway, with my stuff already feeling depressed and no "therapy sessions" to help it, I started getting ready for the procedure. A couple hours before, they said I needed to shower with an antibacterial soap and shave. Well, my normal soap wasn't antibacterial and I didn't have time to run to the store at that point. My wife found some antibacterial soap for me that made my junk smell like "fresh picked apples". While I was showing my wife the job I did shaving to see if I missed any spots, she starts giggling and shows me a picture she just snapped of me pulling stuff to the side and pointing. This was starting off to be a fantastic experience.

I will say this though... I was very nervous about getting a razor or anything close to that area. I had used trimmers before with a guard, but nothing with direct contact. I finally just bucked up and did it and it really wasn't difficult at all. If you have never done it before, just make sure you keep your skin as wrinkle free and smooth as possible while you are doing it and you will be fine.

So I popped my sedative and my antibiotic and we headed up to the doctor to get it started (or ended, however you want to look at it). I got back to the exam room and one of the nurses had me undress from the waist down and put a large paper sheet (napkin) over my bottom half. Now I had even more shrinkage than my first exam because they sensed the doom that lie ahead. When she came back in, she rubbed some cream on it and then broke out the plastic wrap. When I asked the nurse if she literally just saran wrapped my scrotum she replied without missing a beat "yep, we are going to bake it like a turkey". Of course, my ever so witty wife chimed in "more like baking an apple pie". Ha... ha :) During one little chat between my wife and that nurse, I heard the nurse say "yeah, I just tell people I work in a doctors office and leave it at that. It would be kind of awkward to say I saran wrap scrotums all day."

So everything was going fine until I literally did start baking like a turkey or apple pie or whatever. The cream turned into hot lava and my crotch was on fire. Luckily it only lasted a few minutes and then I guess I went numb for the most part. While I was laying there freaking out about my oven roasted almonds, I hear my phone go off and when I look I see a text message with the picture my wife took earlier of me pulling and pointing. Fantastic!

The nurse came back in and had me put on gowns so I could walk to the next room. I was a little shocked because I thought we would do it right there in the exam room from what I had read on the internet. Oooh no... we walked down the hall into like an operating room. Flat bed, lights above, table full of tools, the whole bit. This is when I think my sedative wore off and panic started to set in a little. The biggest procedure I had done before this was pulling a tooth when I was like 14. I had never had a broken bone, a stitch, anything, and now I was going for a full blown operation where I was conscious the whole time. My wife even made the comment "sorry I didn't realize it was going to be a big deal". Thanks, that helped.

So I'm laying there, sheet over my body with a hole cut out for the main attraction, my wife is in the corner texting a play by play to one her close friends, giggling every 10 seconds or so. The nurse and the doctor come in go over a few things, unwrap me and clean up the fire cream. Then they stretch me out and tape it to my stomach to keep it out of the way. Then I feel them poking and prodding around, pinching, etc. I tensed up a few times and they asked if I could feel it. I said I definitely could feel everything they were doing, but it didn't really hurt, it was just uncomfortable. They acted like I shouldn't have felt it and asked if I had taken my sedative... Didn't exactly give a warm fuzzy that things were going well. I told them yes I had and asked for another. It got a laugh, but no extra meds. So they continued pinching and poking and then they were done.

Doc: "Did you feel that?"
Me: "Yep, just a little prick. *ba dum tsh* uh... wait a second."

The doctor said he would be back in about 20 minutes to finish up. I asked my wife if she actually watched them make the cut and she laughed at me and said they hadn't done anything yet. What?! All that and I still wasn't done?! At that point I was really panicking. I guess they had just given me shots or something to numb it up more.

So the doctor came back and said lets get started. I tensed up and clinched my teeth. Then something got mentioned about fresh picked apples and everyone in the room was laughing. I really didn't feel much during the actual procedure, but I could definitely hear something that sounded like a geiger counter or a welder and then I smelled burnt apples. I asked them if it was a flesh soldering iron and they said yes. I told them to solder on a circuit board so I could have a bionic penis, and maybe even make it shoot rockets or something. They laughed and said they didn't want it shooting anything when we got done. Point taken.

So... (I have started a lot of paragraphs with that now) we were pretty well finished. The doctor and nurse went through a bunch of blah blah blah (glad my wife was there to listen) and it was over. I never thought that having two cute nurses playing my junk while my wife was in the room watching would be so not enjoyable. It always played out a little differently in my dreams... Anyway, I got dressed, shuffled out to the car, got home, and retired myself to the recliner for the next 3 days with my laptop and a bag of peas.

Everything was going well until I got the first urge to go to the bathroom. I decided to not eat anything and keep myself borderline dehydrated to avoid it. I was able to avoid it for the rest of that night until the next morning. The first pee was awkward. Like I said, I had never had stitches before on anything so I wasn't sure if my insides would fall when I removed the gauze pad or what exactly to expect. I didn't want to dribble anything down on it so I stood sideways and aimed down and to the right. Being confined to a jock strap with an already depressed member doesn't exactly give a guy a whole lot to work with either. But... it all worked out. I put some fresh povidone ointment on with a new gauze pad, and back to the couch.

The next challenge was dropping a deuce bomb, or as some like to call it, poop. I actually went online and tried to find someone else's experience but I wasn't able to find anyone that described this. On one hand, it made me nervous not knowing how it would go. On the other hand, it was kind of reassuring because maybe it meant that it wasn't a big enough deal for someone to blog about it. It finally hit on the second day and I had to go. So I sat down and tried to figure out where to tuck it down at but the stitches were in the way no matter what I did. Lucky for me, I found an empty water bottle sitting by the bathroom sink and used it as a catchall. My wife was not proud. Not exactly a high point in my life, but it got the job done. I had been so scared of how it feel when I had to push, but it really wasn't bad. It was probably actually the best I had felt since before the procedure was done. Kind of a relief in fact. Back to the chair.

The final major challenge I faced was taking a shower (three days later according to doctors orders). My first attempt, I pussed out (again not knowing how it would feel with water over stitches) so I took a whore's bath in the sink and deferred until the next day. When I did finally get up the nerve to do it, it felt wonderful. No pain from the stitches or anything, just a feeling of cleanliness. At that point I felt like I could take on the world, but I finished out day 3 on the couch enjoying the peace and quiet while it was still being offered.

The worst part of the last few days has been having to wear the jock strap 24/7. I'm a boxer brief kind of guy so I appreciate a little support, but the jock was a little over the top. Either way, I did it and now on day 7 it feels pretty good to go back to normal. There is still a little tenderness, but overall things are feeling pretty good. Now I need talk the wife into a little therapy, make sure all the plumbing still works :)

Anyway, for anyone considering having it done, the procedure wasn't bad at all and thanks to my awesome wife my recovery wasn't bad either. Having my wife in the room did actually help knock some of the tension off because she was able to keep my laughing and keep my mind off of what was really happening. If fear of pain is the only thing keeping you from doing it, don't let that stop you. The years of enjoyment I plan on getting out of this seem well worth the few days of discomfort. It gave me a whole new appreciation to what women go through for child birth. As the doctor said while he was poking around, "if it were up to men to have babies, the human race would cease to exist."

There, now that wasn't so bad was it? :)

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